A couple years ago, when I was coming to terms with the notion that I might never have children, the biggest thing that I struggled to accept with was the idea that I might never experience pregnancy.
For every woman, pregnancy is a time of unfathomable change, challenge, and self sacrifice. This is inevitable. However, not every woman finds these changes, challenges, and sacrifices pleasant.
Some women are grateful for the baby that pregnancy usually results in, but find little to no joy in the pregnancy-experience itself. It is simply an inconvenient, mostly-unpleasant journey that they must endure in order to acquire an infant genetically theirs. Perhaps they are sick for all/most/some of the pregnancy. Perhaps the pregnancy flares up awful illnesses like sciatica, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, insomnia, depression, and on and on an on. Perhaps she is in physical pain on a daily basis. Perhaps she is in emotional pain. Perhaps she just doesn't like it. A woman's feelings about her pregnancy are entirely her own, and I am not here to judge anyone for their thoughts on their own unique experience. I believe entirely that some pregnancies really are downright miserable and a woman should be able to say "This SUCKS!" and have those feeling heard and validated.
But some women enjoy their pregnancies. Deeply. Richly. Earnestly. And I always had a hunch that I would be one of these women.
So the idea that I might never get to experience pregnancy made me sad. I did not necessarily mourn the child that I thought I might never have, but I absolutely mourned the loss of the experience of a carrying that child. Perhaps it was naive and idealistic, but I desperately wanted to see my belly grow. I wanted to go to bed at night with the knowledge that there was a life, separate from my own, growth and thriving inside my own body. I wanted to feel a baby move while nestled safely in my uterus. I wanted to breast feed. I absolutely wanted to experience pregnancy.
Then, I got my wish.
But right now, I love pregnancy. It's amazing and wonderful and leaves me in awe every single day. I absolutely love it.... and I haven't even felt the baby move yet!
Tamara is a mother, wife, friend, & photographer. A lover of beautiful things, far away places, animals, great haircuts, and snug-fitting aprons.