It has been a year and a half since I last updated this space.
My 7lb 13oz son was born 52 days after my last post. He came screaming into the world after a 32 hour labour, which ended in an epidural, vacuum assist, and an episiotomy.
The moment my son was born was surreal, and magical, and intense, and perfect. The elation and relief that I felt in that moment is truly indescribable. I now understand why people have 8, 9, 10 children; they're chasing the dragon of the-first-time-i-saw-my-baby high. It is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Bennett Leander B*. Our Benny.
It took 5 entire days for my milk to come in. Nobody told me that it could take this long, and nobody told me that my baby would be starving the entire time. Those first 5 days were a fucking nightmare. Other things that nobody told me:
1. Episiotomies, though uncommon these days, are not unheard of. Healing from one hurts more than childbirth itself-- only worse because the searing pain persists for days on end, and you don't get another cute baby out of it. People will give you (un)helpful advice like, "Take a sitz bath", or "make a padsicle" and you will want to light them on fire... because icing your vagina which was literally SLICED OPEN AND SEWN BACK UP is about as helpful as, say, putting a cool cloth on a knife wound. (The only thing that helped, for me, was staying in a horizontal position as much as possible so that blood did not pool, and thus swell, my rear end. Also, a LOT of tylenol and ibuprofen)
2. It's ok to give your baby a bit of formula while you wait for your milk supply to come in, and it will not necessarily create a baby who is now completely boob adverse. In fact, introducing bottles from the get-go will not ruin your baby for life. It's also ok to formula feed your baby from the get-go. Your baby will be just fine. So do what you gotta do to survive, Mama.
3. During days 1-3 post-birth you will love your partner/spouse more than you ever thought possible. You will be doped up on every single feel-good hormone imaginable, and just the sight of them with your new baby will give you near physical pleasure... Which is wonderful because during days 3-365 you will absolutely, unequivocally loathe them. Welcome to the first year of parenthood.
4. I could be wrong, but I'm fairly certain that childbirth permenantly rewires the nerve endings in your vagina. What once felt good, may now make you want to put your first through a wall.
5. Your vagina will bounce back and look more or less how it always looked. The same, sadly, cannot be said for your butthole.
I'd like to get back into updating this blog. I'd like to share my parenting wins and losses, struggles and observations. I'd like for you to share in our journey. It's a fine fiasco.